Thursday, December 25, 2003
Helpless Holidays!
CHRISTMAS HAVOC AS AIRPORTS, LANDMARKS CLOSED
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Downing of unidentified aircraft heightens terrorism fears.
Reuters/Mondo
Airports and public landmarks in the United States are on the highest alert since the attacks of September 11th, following the destruction of an unidentified aircraft in the skies over Lake Ontario two hours ago.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Defense and Early Warning System of NORAD in the high Canadian Arctic alerted the air forces of both governments to the approach of a high-velocity unidentified flying object. Canadian officials confirmed that the aircraft appeared to have originated somewhere north of Ellesmere Island, the highest point in the Arctic.
“At this time, we are not ruling out the involvement of the Canadian government,” Rumsfeld said. “Those bastards have had it out for us ever since we told them to scrap Avro. Not to mention their hippy pot-smoking and civil liberties and whatnot. Pinkos."
The radar return of the aircraft was long and elliptical in shape, changing orientation with each directional variation in-flight. For example, upon a right turn south-by-southeast immediately before penetrating U.S. air space, a series of eight blips appeared to veer away from a larger ninth radar image at the tail.
At 0345GMT, the department of Homeland Security raised the terror alert to condition Red, the highest it’s been in over two years. Ten minutes later, witnesses in Rochester, NY and Toronto, Canada reported seeing a large fireball in the skies over Lake Ontario, followed by a hail of debris, most of which have appeared to be packages of varying sizes. FBI, CSIS and HAZMAT teams quickly closed the shorelines of New York and Ontario and stopped shipping on the Lake in order to assess the potential public risk of these unidentified packages.
The pilot of the craft is reported to have survived the impact and has been detained by New York authorities. The man was observed to be dressed in a red jumpsuit and a red hat, and is at this time en route to the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
"These evildoers must be stopped. The threat has never been greater than right now during the holiday season," Rumsfeld continued. "And as a sidenote, other than the red suit and whatever, I've never seen anyone better fitting of the Al Quaeda profile than this guy. I mean, no self-respecting American would wear a beard like that."
As the suspect is en route to Guantanamo Bay, or "Gitmo", eight large mammals are being tested at the crash site for BSE, otherwise known as "Mad Cow Disease".
"You just know they're from Calgary again," President Bush added during a White House press conference. "Tainted beef that flies. It figures. " Mr. Bush would not confirm remarks made later about an invasion of Canada, allegedly intended to root out these newfound weapons of mass destruction.
In an unrelated story, Evan Dickson, Editor-In-Chief of Winters College's Mondo Magazine, offended religious groups for the third year running by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Todd Aalgaard echoed his sentiments, adding "And a happy New Year to all", a move sure to provoke a relatiliatory response from the Chinese.
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Kwazy Kwanza, everybody!
Love,
Todd
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____________________________________________
Downing of unidentified aircraft heightens terrorism fears.
Reuters/Mondo
Airports and public landmarks in the United States are on the highest alert since the attacks of September 11th, following the destruction of an unidentified aircraft in the skies over Lake Ontario two hours ago.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Defense and Early Warning System of NORAD in the high Canadian Arctic alerted the air forces of both governments to the approach of a high-velocity unidentified flying object. Canadian officials confirmed that the aircraft appeared to have originated somewhere north of Ellesmere Island, the highest point in the Arctic.
“At this time, we are not ruling out the involvement of the Canadian government,” Rumsfeld said. “Those bastards have had it out for us ever since we told them to scrap Avro. Not to mention their hippy pot-smoking and civil liberties and whatnot. Pinkos."
The radar return of the aircraft was long and elliptical in shape, changing orientation with each directional variation in-flight. For example, upon a right turn south-by-southeast immediately before penetrating U.S. air space, a series of eight blips appeared to veer away from a larger ninth radar image at the tail.
At 0345GMT, the department of Homeland Security raised the terror alert to condition Red, the highest it’s been in over two years. Ten minutes later, witnesses in Rochester, NY and Toronto, Canada reported seeing a large fireball in the skies over Lake Ontario, followed by a hail of debris, most of which have appeared to be packages of varying sizes. FBI, CSIS and HAZMAT teams quickly closed the shorelines of New York and Ontario and stopped shipping on the Lake in order to assess the potential public risk of these unidentified packages.
The pilot of the craft is reported to have survived the impact and has been detained by New York authorities. The man was observed to be dressed in a red jumpsuit and a red hat, and is at this time en route to the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
"These evildoers must be stopped. The threat has never been greater than right now during the holiday season," Rumsfeld continued. "And as a sidenote, other than the red suit and whatever, I've never seen anyone better fitting of the Al Quaeda profile than this guy. I mean, no self-respecting American would wear a beard like that."
As the suspect is en route to Guantanamo Bay, or "Gitmo", eight large mammals are being tested at the crash site for BSE, otherwise known as "Mad Cow Disease".
"You just know they're from Calgary again," President Bush added during a White House press conference. "Tainted beef that flies. It figures. " Mr. Bush would not confirm remarks made later about an invasion of Canada, allegedly intended to root out these newfound weapons of mass destruction.
In an unrelated story, Evan Dickson, Editor-In-Chief of Winters College's Mondo Magazine, offended religious groups for the third year running by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Todd Aalgaard echoed his sentiments, adding "And a happy New Year to all", a move sure to provoke a relatiliatory response from the Chinese.
********************
Kwazy Kwanza, everybody!
Love,
Todd
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