Wednesday, August 04, 2004
The Drop-Out's Guide To First Year
Here's an article I wrote for the school paper. It should be in the first issue. Very exciting! I'm going to be published! (by someone other than myself!)
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Six years ago, I was a fresh-faced seventeen year-old with a single room in residence and parents too far away to check up on me regularly. Five years ago I was a university drop-out with over a hundred dollars in library fines and some serious explaining to do when I got home.
Now I’m back for my second ‘first year’ and, to save you from a similar fate, I've tossed together some pointers that will help you keep out of the bad kinds of trouble (academic probation, debarment) and in the good kinds of trouble (getting drunk, getting laid).
YOUR T.A.S ARE STUDENTS TOO
Sure they're in grad school, but it wasn't long ago that they were shlepping it out in the world of the undergrad just like you. Most of them will cut you lots of slack—but only if you’re one of the two or three people who actually cares about their tutorials, or for that matter shows up. Make sure you get on their good side. I once got a T.A. to let me write one essay in place of four that I had missed throughout the term, and with no late marks to boot. If I had actually written that essay, I might not have failed the class.
FIND AN UPPER YEAR TO BUY YOU BEER
Sure they’re a bit older, and they look really scary, but most of the upper years are human just like you. Everyone was underage once, we’ve all been there. And a lot of them won’t be drinking as much as they used to, so they might not need that wristband once they’re past the bouncers. [wink, wink] Oh, also they’ll probably be able to help you pick courses and navigate the administration, too. But that’s boring shit, so I’m not going to waste words on it.
SET-UP YOUR ROOM RIGHT
This one’s for all the single guys in residence. Get rid of your bedframe—dump it in a common room or something--and put your mattress on the floor. There’s two reasons for this. First off everyone does that thing where you lift your bed up, and you don’t want to be like everyone else. Sure you get more floor space, but efficient use of space is for dorks who watch home design shows, not for hipsters who want to get laid. Which brings me to my second point: A mattress on the floor gets gravity working in your favour. No girls are going to climb up onto a raised bed, but nine out of ten will sit on a floor bed. And when girls sit on your bed they’ll take off their shoes—once the shoes are off the socks won’t be far behind, and where socks go pants are sure to follow!
DON’T TRY TO WOO YOUR FROSH BOSSES WITH BAD POETRY
(OR AT ALL, FOR THAT MATTER)
I know you’re in love, but trust me it won’t work. I’m speaking from experience here. (Michelle, if you’re still out there give me a call. I’m a lot cooler now, honest!)
RETURN YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS ON TIME
These people are serious. There’s no friendly old ladies charging you a nickel a week for overdue books. Fines here pile up quick, and when you’ve got ten books out for that night-before essay-writing marathon, they pile up even quicker. Especially watch out for SMIL (The Sound and Moving Images library) they charge you by the hour. Yes. By the hour. I have a friend who returned some videos a day late and was charged over $100 in fines. No, I am not making this up.
GET INVOLVED IN EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES
Yeah, they’re a lot of fun, but more importantly they’ll give you something to talk to your parents about that’s not your grades. That’s really useful after your first few essays come back. Also, it’s a great way to hook up.
YOUR PERMANENT RECORD IS NOT AS PERMANENT AS IT SEEMS
Finally, if you end up like I did at the end of your first year with a few less passing grades than courses, then petition petition petition! Petitions are magical things where a committee waves a wand over your transcripts and failing marks just disappear! You can only get away with it a few times though, so be careful.
So there you have it, hopefully some of this will help you do better than I did. Show up to all your classes and you’ll be fine. Wait, make that, show up sober to all your classes and you’ll be fine. Classes you attend on mushrooms don’t really count. Trust me on that one, too.
-Trevor
(Comments take a few minutes to appear!)
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Six years ago, I was a fresh-faced seventeen year-old with a single room in residence and parents too far away to check up on me regularly. Five years ago I was a university drop-out with over a hundred dollars in library fines and some serious explaining to do when I got home.
Now I’m back for my second ‘first year’ and, to save you from a similar fate, I've tossed together some pointers that will help you keep out of the bad kinds of trouble (academic probation, debarment) and in the good kinds of trouble (getting drunk, getting laid).
YOUR T.A.S ARE STUDENTS TOO
Sure they're in grad school, but it wasn't long ago that they were shlepping it out in the world of the undergrad just like you. Most of them will cut you lots of slack—but only if you’re one of the two or three people who actually cares about their tutorials, or for that matter shows up. Make sure you get on their good side. I once got a T.A. to let me write one essay in place of four that I had missed throughout the term, and with no late marks to boot. If I had actually written that essay, I might not have failed the class.
FIND AN UPPER YEAR TO BUY YOU BEER
Sure they’re a bit older, and they look really scary, but most of the upper years are human just like you. Everyone was underage once, we’ve all been there. And a lot of them won’t be drinking as much as they used to, so they might not need that wristband once they’re past the bouncers. [wink, wink] Oh, also they’ll probably be able to help you pick courses and navigate the administration, too. But that’s boring shit, so I’m not going to waste words on it.
SET-UP YOUR ROOM RIGHT
This one’s for all the single guys in residence. Get rid of your bedframe—dump it in a common room or something--and put your mattress on the floor. There’s two reasons for this. First off everyone does that thing where you lift your bed up, and you don’t want to be like everyone else. Sure you get more floor space, but efficient use of space is for dorks who watch home design shows, not for hipsters who want to get laid. Which brings me to my second point: A mattress on the floor gets gravity working in your favour. No girls are going to climb up onto a raised bed, but nine out of ten will sit on a floor bed. And when girls sit on your bed they’ll take off their shoes—once the shoes are off the socks won’t be far behind, and where socks go pants are sure to follow!
DON’T TRY TO WOO YOUR FROSH BOSSES WITH BAD POETRY
(OR AT ALL, FOR THAT MATTER)
I know you’re in love, but trust me it won’t work. I’m speaking from experience here. (Michelle, if you’re still out there give me a call. I’m a lot cooler now, honest!)
RETURN YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS ON TIME
These people are serious. There’s no friendly old ladies charging you a nickel a week for overdue books. Fines here pile up quick, and when you’ve got ten books out for that night-before essay-writing marathon, they pile up even quicker. Especially watch out for SMIL (The Sound and Moving Images library) they charge you by the hour. Yes. By the hour. I have a friend who returned some videos a day late and was charged over $100 in fines. No, I am not making this up.
GET INVOLVED IN EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES
Yeah, they’re a lot of fun, but more importantly they’ll give you something to talk to your parents about that’s not your grades. That’s really useful after your first few essays come back. Also, it’s a great way to hook up.
YOUR PERMANENT RECORD IS NOT AS PERMANENT AS IT SEEMS
Finally, if you end up like I did at the end of your first year with a few less passing grades than courses, then petition petition petition! Petitions are magical things where a committee waves a wand over your transcripts and failing marks just disappear! You can only get away with it a few times though, so be careful.
So there you have it, hopefully some of this will help you do better than I did. Show up to all your classes and you’ll be fine. Wait, make that, show up sober to all your classes and you’ll be fine. Classes you attend on mushrooms don’t really count. Trust me on that one, too.
-Trevor
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