Well! Here's something new, a blog from the boat! I found out that my cellphone package includes unlimited internet access, so now I can post via e-mail! Revolutionary!

Alright. Enough exclamation marks already.

More and more, I'm feeling better about the future. It's been along few weeks. The hammer finally came down on the boat from the po-po (Worthy of a mention in zoilus, apparently! Weee!), I had my first (and last) taste of after-hours action, and I somehow talked myself into an all-expenses paid date. (paid by me unfortunately)

Mostly the themes of the past little while have been:

1. Nothing is as easy as it seems.
2. Consort not with demons, lest ye become a demon.
3. Wondering what comes next.

Varied and separate parts of my life have begun colliding with allarming frequency. It's making me realize that there are no "parts" to life at all. It's one continuous whole. Big enough pebbles ripple the whole pond.

My Treo is a perfect example: msn, cellphone, calendar, gameboy, camera, e-mail, address book and web browser all in one little box. Suddenly I've crossed that boundary and I'm "always on," connected by radio waves to an unseen ubiquitous network of computers, phones, faxes, barcode scanners and smart fridges all babbling back and forth about whatever meaningless information they've been built to notice.

It could be frightening I guess, or ominous, but the first time I checked my e-mail on this thing I felt myself passing through some invisible membrane that separates the past from the future. I was only in the livingroom, not even fifty feet from the computer where I usually check my e-mail, but I was miles away from ordinary. After all, now there is no "where" where I access the internet. It's all around us. Smell that internet!

I'm in the middle of a crowded party right now, sipping on a coke and thinking about tomorrow. I guess you could be worried that I'm being disconnected from my environment, but I think I'm more connected than ever, after all this party will end in a few hours but this blog post only took ten minutes, and it'll last a lot longer than that.

-trevor

Amazing what 24 hours can do.

All I did was play Burnout revenge and watch Olympics. Slept on the couch and smoked a few cigarettes outside with my housemate. But it was all that I needed to get my perspective back.

I'd been underwater a while, and I was starting to think all oxygen came in canisters.

I'm out of practice with this thing. The keyboard, words, witticisms. They're all a bit foreign, like friends from high school who you haven't hung out with since the day after graduation.

Meh, it'll come back to me. It always does somehow.

The important thing is that I'm writing again--on and off the internet. It's weird, I got a digital camera, and suddenly I'm remembering my life better. I'm writing down thoughts and there they are the next day. Instant recall, outsourced to a bit of ink.

It's weird that life is a sum of our choices. Some of those are good, some of those are bad. Someday I'll write a book about my choices. That or else I'll scribble them down in notebooks for others to piece together after I'm gone.

Better work on my handwriting.

I guess I should decide why I'm writing this. That or else I'm doomed to the fate of the ratio.

There's no critical merit in this blog, at least I'm not aiming for it. It's a record of my mental meanderings. It's not gonna do anything but tell you what I'm thinking at any given point.

most of my life is censored from here. I guess it needs to be. My goal is to make it so everything I do I can confidently write about on the internet.

Small, but important steps.

Watch out bad habits: your days are numbered.

-Trevor

These posts are exactly a year to the day after I last posted. Like this year never happened.

That's a comforting thought.

-Trevor

New beginnings come quick these days, almost fast enough to keep up with the endings. So here I am, months later, bringing back the old blog.

Here's how I feel right now:

Uncertain, exhilerated, guilty, annoyed, frustrated, scattered, regretful, ashamed, hesitant, grasping, longing, remorseful, desperate, lonely, uneasy, trapped, relieved, hopeful, isolated, apathetic, repressed, defensive.

It's that kind of morning.

Where to go from here? That's maybe the question that I want to answer in this, I guess. What's the next step. If I can keep coming up with answers to that question fast enough, I'll be running before I know it.

But answers are slow in coming. Maybe I ought to look behind me, not all steps take you where you're facing. Sometimes a detour is in order.

Enough! No more walking metaphor. It tires me.

Tired is where I am nowadays. No sleep, no life outside of the bizarre fantasy that makes up my day to day. But really it's not as bad as it seems, how could it be when it seems so amazing?

When all roads lead downhill, is that a blessing, (gravity's with you buddy!) or a curse (rock bottom's just over that cliff!)? Like the bowling ball game at Canada's Wonderland, but with no rubber bumper and an ever increasing set of hills: You gotta have just the right push to stop at the top, otherwise no stuffed parrot for you.

I don't want to make this too long, it's probably hard enough to read as it is. Let me just toss in a picture:



It's the most Vice picture ever taken of me. Ha!

-Trevor